The Gent's Cheat Sheet » Interpersonal

Presentation Secrets of Steve Jobs

Trey — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 03:16:37 +0000

Carmine Gallo is the author of ‘The Presentation Secrets of Steve Jobs: How to Be Insanely Great in Front of Any Audience.’

Eight Simple Conversation Techniques for Drawing People Out

Trey — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 03:14:38 +0000

Every gent wants to be able to engage gracefully with other people, but some conversations can be more challenging than others—particularly with strangers and those with whom you don’t have much in common. How can you draw these people out in order to have a pleasant conversation? How can you convey authentic interest without coming across as fake?

Everyone encounters awkward conversations from time to time (see Embrace Awkwardness). It’s not the end of the world to realize that you don’t have much to say to someone, but it can be a shame because with a few simple techniques this rarely has to be the case. Below are a few simple tips that can be helpful in drawing people out.

Note that many of these tips have as much to do with an approach to people in general as they with specific conversation skills. Self-help and self-improvement sites often include tips for making small talk or chit-chat, but not for engaging with people in conversations over the long-term. If you just need pass the time with someone sitting next to you on the airplane this might work fine, but most interactions happen with people we see over and over again. For these types of relationships, it’s important to view conversations in light of both the immediate conversation and the long-term relationship.

Here are eight specific ways to accomplish that goal:

1. Use open-ended questions. This is a fundamental skill that’s often under-appreciated. Essentially, an open-ended question is one that invites someone to respond with more than a "yes," "no," or other one- or two-word response. The point is to get the other person talking about something they enjoy or care about—the things that are most likely to make them feel comfortable and enjoy the conversation. Some examples of open-ended questions might include:

"What got you started in medicine?" – Not "Do you like working at the hospital?"
"What’s your favorite part about watching a game at the stadium?" – Not "How many times have you seen this team play?"
"What brings you to an event like this?" – Not "So, come here often?"
"What do you think about the new U2 album?" – Not "Have you ever seen U2 live?"
"What were you doing when you heard about 9/11?" – Not "Do you remember when the Berlin Wall fell?"

And so on, and so on. Be careful not to overdo it lest you come across as insincere—it’s NOT about feigning interest or pretending that you’re fascinated by some mundane aspect of someone’s life. It’s about finding a topic that can facilitate a great conversation.

2. Give the person you’re talking with your undivided attention. This can be especially hard in today’s age of phone calls, instant messages, texting, or any of the countless other distractions which interrupt our days. If someone is in your office and the phone rings, make it a point to note that you can call the person back. It might be a small inconvenience, but everything you do sends a message about your priorities, and giving your company the attention they deserve shows them that you respect them (and their time) enough to focus on them exclusively. Along these lines, remember to make eye contact (not creepy eye contact, just enough to show that they have your attention) and don’t gaze out the window or fidget distractedly. Body language can clearly convey a message that’s entirely different than what you intend with your words.

3. Remember the seemingly small things that matter greatly to the other person. You might not think that they care if you remember the names of their kids or their wife’s favorite hobby, but it means a lot if you do. If the opportunity arises, to ask about the details of the other person’s life, especially those things you’ve never personally experience. If you work with someone, it’s easy enough to ask about how their new position is working out—that’s your own turf and probably something that’s easy to remember. Remembering that their five year old plays T-ball or that their high-schooler wants to join the military takes more effort and demonstrates that you view them (and their families) as a valuable people with unique interests, important relationships, and a life apart from whatever circumstances brought you together. Don’t force topics into conversations if it’s not relevant, of course—you’re not just trying to score points by showing that you remember.

4. Take active measures to remember—and USE—people’s names. Studies have shown that there is no sound that people enjoy hearing more than their own name, but this is far from the only reason to call people by name in conversations. Most notably, using someone’s name demonstrates that you recognize and affirm their individual identity. This might sound silly at first, but people want to know that view them as more than just some faceless cog in a machine. It doesn’t matter if it’s a waiter at a restaurant, your child’s teacher, a boss, or anyone else—using a name shows that you’re interacting with them as a person, not a position. Using someone’s name also has a practical benefit for you—it makes it much easier to engage someone that you encounter only occasionally. No one wants to run into someone in the hall (or even worse, have to ask for a favor) and start off by saying "hey, remind me of your name again." If you know that this’ll probably be the case, it can easily make you averse to speak with people for fear of embarrassment—so it’s much better to just learn, remember, and use their names up front.

5. Don’t approach conversations like one-night stands. If you have a fascinating conversation with someone and then never speak to them again, what’s the point? Just to pass the time engaged it witty banter? If you want to set the stage for a great conversation the next time you see someone, don’t just let them drop off your radar. Swing by and poke your head in their office, just to say hi–you don’t need a reason to say "Hey, I remember you said your Mom was sick when we talked a couple of weeks ago—how is she doing?" Think about how conversations fit into the long term picture, not just how to get through an awkward elevator ride or meeting.

6. Pause before speaking. This has a couple of effects: First it shows that you’re not in a rush to speak and that you actually care about what the other person has to say. You’re not just waiting for them to run out of breath so that you can share your own thoughts. Second, it prevents you from interrupting. By taking a calculated pause, you give yourself time to slow down enough to ensure that the other person has finished whatever thought they were trying to express. This may seem small, but it’s a small gesture that can go a long way towards developing an air of sincerity and authenticity. All the open-ended questions in the world can’t make up for someone who jumps in without waiting their turn to speak.

7. Find something to compliment. There’s nothing like positive reinforcement to give people a positive association with their interactions with you. This shouldn’t be empty words or flattery—just finding something nice to say that lets the other person know that you noticed something. It’s important that compliments be specific, since anyone can say "great job!" after a presentation. Check out The Art of Giving Praise for more suggestions on giving compliments in a ways that are meaningful to others.

8. In groups, try to shift the conversation away from issues that leave participants out. For instance: if you’re at a work party and notice a coworker’s spouse standing at the edge while a couple of people talk about office politics, try to find a way to (gracefully) move the conversation into something where everyone has something to offer. Open-ended questions can be especially helpful in this regard. Remember that some people might be uncomfortable speaking in front of strangers and would rather just hang back—so again, don’t force topics. In most cases, however, people are happy to share their thoughts if they believe they have something to contribute and the other person actually cares.

Keep in mind that the focus for all of these tips isn’t just on social success or even productive conversations. The point is to demonstrate respect for those around you and and ensure that your daily encounters leave others walking away feeling refreshed and valued.

If you have other conversation suggestions or tips, feel free to leave them in the “comments” section!

Is Your Playlist Undermining Your Effectiveness?

Trey — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 02:53:27 +0000

Music has a powerful—and often underappreciated—effect on the human brain and our emotions. As a result, what we listen to can easily (and inadvertently) have a tremendous impact on our mental state and on the quality of our interactions throughout the day. So if it has a strong emotional component, what types of music—and which corresponding emotions—do we want as influences?

When picking a playlist for an important event, we usually take great care to select music that’s consistent with, and contributes to, the ambience or mood. So we’ll take care to ensure that our guests are comfortable and relaxed—but how often do we actually do the same thing in our own lives?

There’s a reason music (especially certain types, most notably rock and rap) is used for activities like working out or sports—it’s a great performance-enhancing tool. In other words, it pumps you up; it’s inspiring. It’s motivational. It can quicken your step or help you summon the energy to get one last set in. But is adrenaline-fueled, playing field performance the type you’re looking for in your day job? Do you really want to be pumped up right before a meeting or event where it’s very important to keep your cool? If you wouldn’t listen to Enya before working out, why listen to aggressive music when you need to stay positive or relaxed? Or before trying to fall asleep?

Here’s what I’ve realized:

If my goal is to walk to into a room in a collected manner, it seems counterproductive to listen to my workout playlist on the drive over. Just like it’s hard to rush down a hallway and then to walk calmly and quietly into a meeting, it’s also hard to shut off other influences instantaneously.

This may seem like a no-brainer to quite a few of you, but it’s something that has only dawned on me recently. I generally listen to rock, so I didn’t realize what I was missing until I actually started listening to genuinely relaxing music and noticed what a big difference it made. So now if I’m driving to a meeting or trying to unwind in the evening, I find that consciously picking relaxing music can have a big impact on how I approach things. I haven’t stopped listening to the music I love, I’m just more aware of the effect that it has on me.

Since so much of life is already predetermined, I think it’s important to realize that your mental and emotional state doesn’t always have to be a byproduct of an environment that’s beyond your control. There may be times when you have no choice but to accept your surroundings for what they are—but it’s also possible to adapt your surroundings to your objectives, rather than the other way around.

Your music is as good a place to start as any.

-tg

Simple Tips for Detecting Lies Through Body Language

Trey — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 16:30:37 +0000

No matter how smooth the liar, body language can often provide valuable clues that someone might be trying to pull a fast one on you. Howcast provides a simple overview of key signs that can tip you off to a lie through gestures, demeanor, and general body language.

Among the most important: eye contact, hand movement, posture, smiling, and specific “unusual” words.

How To Detect a Lie on Howcast

How to Detect a Lie at Howcast [via Lifehacker]

How to Handle the Pessimist on Your Team

Trey — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 01:38:03 +0000

This past week the Harvard Business Blog shared an excellent article highlighting effective tips for mitigating the toxic (and sadly, often pervasive) influence of pessimists on a team. The article is worth reading in its entirety, so I won’t try to summarize the whole thing here.

As I know many of you know, pessimistic griping CAN have a role to play, and it certainly can help a team bond quickly in the face of a common enemy (good example: a basic training drill instructor). Overall though, it’s definitely a negative force that needs to be contained because of it’s contagious nature and propensity to spread quickly. Bad attitudes tend to breed more bad attitudes, and it’s much easier to prevent the downward spiral to begin with than to recover from an attitudinal tailspin. I’m all for healthy cynicism, but that’s a special breed of pessimism (or is it realism?) and the subject of a post for another day. So I’ll leave it there and share a few the key principles worth noting:

Principles to Remember
Do:

Find the source of the pessimism

Differentiate between the person and the behavior

Involve the whole team in setting norms for team behavior

Don’t:

Single someone out in front of the whole group

Allow negative comments to go unaddressed

Assume all pessimism is unproductive

What about you? Do you succumb to pessimism yourself? Are there other good techniques you’ve found for containing the spread?

-Trey

How to Handle the Pessimist on Your Team [The Harvard Business Blog]

The Art of Giving Praise

Trey — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 03:31:08 +0000

Four Practical Tips for Giving Praise

We all know that genuine praise can brighten the day of not only the recipient, but the praise-giver as well. But how can you ensure that your commendations are received in the spirit they’re intended? Steven DeMaio at The Harvard Business Blog offers four practical tips today in a post entitled The Art of Giving Praise. Here are the four (with my paraphrased explanations):

1. Be truly specific. Anyone can come up with a generic “great job!”, but noting something specific lets the recipient know that you truly noticed something worthwhile. I don’t know if this is what Steven was getting at, but I see it as the positive equivalent of an apology. Sure, it can’t help to just say “I’m sorry” — but it’s an acknowledgment of the specifics that lets the other person know you truly get it.

2. Don’t confuse politeness with praise. It’s certainly important to be polite, but it’s like anything else–when overused it can easily become underappreciated because the impact wears off. If you express thanks and appreciation for everything, don’t expect others to understand praise if it’s couched in the same exact terms.

3. Praise with action, not just words. This seems like a no-brainer, but it’s awfully easy to toss out a few compliments here and there without follow-up. Saying you place full faith and confidence in your people is one thing–actually demonstrating it in a way that they can appreciate is another.

4. Don’t pad constructive criticism with empty praise. Yes, of course it makes sense to phrase things positively–but there can be too much of a good thing. Trying too hard to be positive can undermine your credibility and lead others to doubt the sincerity of your words.

Some of these might take a little effort, but a couple (“being specific” in particular) strike me as things that should be pretty easy to do.

What about you? How do you make sure that your praise actually gets translated as such?

-Trey

The Art of Giving Praise

Is Volume Really Equated With Competence?

briang — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 01:31:28 +0000

As we noted yesterday, the conventional wisdom of “less is more” in conversations certainly seems to work well for Ben Bernanke.

Here’s an opposing point of view from US News and World Report, which claimed today:

“Research shows that people who speak up more often in groups are viewed as more competent and more instrumental to a group’s overall success. Maybe they aren’t the smartest people in the room, and maybe what they have to say isn’t always 100 percent right on, but talkative people are perceived as more dominant. And, for better or for worse, dominant people are perceived as competent people.”

Can’t say I agree, but there’s definitely something to be said for remembering that silence at meetings can also be interpreted as irrelevance. No one remembers a wallflower who sat at the edge of a room and didn’t contribute anything.

So yes, it’s important to speak up at times—but the idea dominance and competence are synonymous seems a little misguided to me. In addition, even if talking more is perceived as dominance (or competence), it doesn’t mean that it’s a technique that a gentleman should strive for. Is it wrong to be important or influential in meetings? Of course not—but I believe the best way to achieve this is by bringing out the best in others—not domineering.

“It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.” – Mark Twain

“Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; When he closes his lips, he is considered prudent.” – Proverbs 17:28

How to Communicate Like Ben Bernanke

Trey — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 01:38:46 +0000

Leaders have a natural tendency to take charge, and during meetings this often means that they end up driving the conversation. In many cases this makes sense, especially when the intent is for send-receive (generally one way) communication. However, there are also many times when this isn’t the goal, and the conversation needs to focus on dialogue, brainstorming, and sharing ideas. What then? What’s a boss or leader to do?

According to the Harvard Business Review, the answer can be found in the approach of Ben Bernanke. Their idea is that leaders need to be comfortable and confident enough in their position that they’re willing to forgo the opportunity to speak their minds up front.

“Letting others take the lead in discussions when you’re the boss is not a sign of insecurity; it can be a sign that you are in control. You are not seeking to impose your will on discussion; you are facilitating alternative points of view. This is essential to establishing the trust necessary to broker agreements between parties who don’t agree.”

Bernanke, they say, models this approach very well. In contrast with Greenspan, he often lets other participants have their say before jumping in—something that works very well when working with groups that don’t see eye-to-eye.

Moderation in all things of course–they also note that decisive action and bold action are necessary at times, because the more legislative role of “facilitating discussions” (as opposed to executive decision making or dictating) is only one aspect of leadership.

So what’s the lesson? Not that it’s better to speak or not to speak, but that it’s not always necessary for a leader to drive the conversation right off the bat—especially in circumstances when mediation or reconciliation of divergent viewpoints is necessary.

-Trey

Original Article: How to Communicate Like Ben Bernanke

Embrace Awkwardness

briang — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 21:39:16 +0000

Everyone has awkward moments. Yes, everyone. Even the suave and professional people we look up to. Naturally, we want to limit our awkwardness. Awkwardness is, well, awkward!

So the idea that awkwardness can be a good thing is counter-intuitive. But here is why it is true: making an effort to not be awkward cannot prevent you from having awkward experiences (they are inevitable), but it can create more awkwardness.

Therefore you might as well break your fear of it right now by embracing it. Embracing it will in the long run make you less awkward. But you don’t embrace the awkward solely for the sake of becoming less awkward. That’s just the natural outcome. You have to break the fear of the awkwardness so that you are better able to learn and to enjoy life and relationships, and really engage people.

You can be a less awkward conversationalist because you do not worry about the state of the conversation constantly. When we worry about it too much, rather than having a conversation, we start playing competition of who can act the most in line with convention (and perhaps how far someone will dare to the edge without actually getting too close), and when we try to compete, we are no longer practicing.

Being worried about awkwardness will stunt your growth and confidence. Letting yourself be awkward will let you venture into a really interesting conversations and interactions. Awkwardness is not itself a good thing, but being able to enjoy it is, and will ultimately give you a confidence which will be anything but awkward.

Ben Stiller and Robert DeNiro in "Meet the Parents", a study in awkwardness.

Brian G.

Preserve Trust by Avoiding “bcc:”

Trey — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 01:56:33 +0000

Avoid One Careless Mistake That Can Easily Undermine Trust

The blind carbon copy (“bcc:”) option of most email applications isn’t often used–but when it is, the potential harm can often far outweigh the good.

Most of our readers are probably familiar with the idea, but for those that aren’t: The blind carbon copy option provides the ability send an email without disclosing all the recipients, and people listed in the “bcc:” address box receive a copy without anyone else knowing that they were ever included. Think of it as the equivalent of allowing someone to listen in to a phone conversation by picking up another receiver on the same line. It’s easy enough to do, and there are plenty of reasons it might be tempting–but when people find out, it’s bound to cause problems.

The biggest single reason to avoid using the bcc: option is that is has a tremendous potential for undermining trust–something that takes a long time to develop but only a moment to damage irreparably. There are two distinct ways this can happen:

You can get caught. Email has a way of taking on a life of its own, and messages that you thought were private never seem to actually be so. All it takes is for one of the hidden recipients to forward the note–perhaps even with good intent–and others can see that you were allowing someone to “listen in.”
Second, even if you never get caught it can still undermine the trust of anyone who sees you using it (even the person that you’re sending the blind copy to). Think about it like this: If you watch someone talk about others behind their backs, or tell lies to other people, you might not feel personally betrayed–but you’d better be on guard lest the person do the same thing to you. If someone is blind-copying you on messages to other people, there’s a very good chance you’re not the only one receiving letters addressed to you.

So what’s a person to do? Are there really no reasons to use the bcc: option? Not at all–it’s still a great way to send mass emails when you want to respect the privacy of the recipients and make sure that their email addresses don’t get exposed to everyone else. Just make sure that everyone is blind carbon copied, and it’ll be obvious what you’re doing. Including some people secretly comes across as–well, secretive. Using bcc: can also ensure that your recipients’ inboxes don’t inadvertently get cluttered by a bunch of “reply all” responses. Again, just make sure it’s all-or-nothing.

If you’re still tempted to use bcc: on a case-by-case basis, consider the fact that you can accomplish the same thing by simply forwarding an email after sending it. People are familiar with the concept of forwarding, and while it might not be something they like, it won’t cause the same level of outrage should the note end up making any rounds. A forward is pretty straightforward and not typically considered inherently sneaky.

I’m not the biggest fan of Nietzsche, but I can sympathize with his sentiment when he said: ”Not that you lied to me but that I no longer believe you – that is what has distressed me.” No one should automatically assume that their electronic communications are always what they seem–but in the workplace it’s often necessary to make the choice to believe each other, even when it’s a little naive. I’d argue that a work environment built on trust–even naively so–is definitely preferable to the alternative.

-tg

How to Ask a (Near) Stranger for a Favor

Trey — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 22:46:44 +0000

We all know the importance of professional networking, but good intent isn’t always enough to see our plans through to fruition. This week the Harvard Business Blog’s David Silverman offers some helpful suggestions for ways to request the networking assistance of a near-stranger.

Provided is an example of what NOT to do in the form of an email from a student. David dissects the note, but then offers up a differently-worded template that can serve as a great example for anyone who wants to ask for help from someone they don’t know very well.

The key tips David offers (paraphrased below) are fairly straightforward, but sometimes easy to forget:

Approach the individual respectfully and find something nice to say.
Remember you probably don’t know much about the nature of the recipient’s other professional contacts.
Appeal to their self-interest–why is it worth their time to help you out?
Don’t assume they know what you’re talking about–explain terms or concepts that aren’t universally understood.
Give them something to cut-and-paste–in other words, make their life as easy as possible and don’t assume that just because they’re willing to help they’re going to spend a lot of time.
Don’t use TXT-speak–it only take a moment to spell words out and use proper grammar. If your hope is that they’ll help you in a professional manner, show them the courtesy of acting professionally as well.

It’s nice to have a reminder of how even a well-intentioned writing can come across from the perspective of the recipient. Even if this isn’t a pressing issue right now, we’ll all face the eventual day when assistance is needed–and the template David provides is a good example to save for when that time inevitably comes.

-tg

How to Ask a (Near) Stranger for a Favor [Harvard Business Blog via Lifehacker]