The Gent's Cheat Sheet

Presentation Secrets of Steve Jobs

Trey — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 03:16:37 +0000

Carmine Gallo is the author of ‘The Presentation Secrets of Steve Jobs: How to Be Insanely Great in Front of Any Audience.’

Know What Your Email Address Says About You

Trey — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 23:48:15 +0000

The email address you choose–and even the provider–can send strong signals. Do you know which messages you’re conveying? Jason Fitzpatrick at Lifehacker brought up several good points in a recent post. His general premise is this:

“Like your clothing, your hair style, and your manner of speaking, your email address is part of your personal image. Certainly it’s a type of prejudice that a hiring manager might look over you because you have an “antiquated” email address or a “stupid” username, but that’s not entirely different than a hiring manager being unimpressed that you showed up to a job interview sans a neck tie. Sure it might be unimportant or silly to you and you might say “I wouldn’t want to work at a company that uptight anyhow,” but it’s worth taking into consideration because whether or not a prejudice—big or small!—is fair or reasonable, it is still out there.”

A couple of major points:

The username you select is vastly more important than the provider you use. Firstname.lastname@aol.com is preferred to and more respectable than sexkitten2010@aol.com—cutesy, offensive, or unprofessional nicknames are big mistakes.

Domains are important, especially in technology-related fields. An AOL address might be just as serviceable as any other address when it comes to sending and receiving mail but to most people in tech fields it says “Hi. I’m from 1996. What is this internet you speak of?”

I don’t have much to add since Jason does a pretty good job of covering the topic. The internet continues to blur the line between the personal and professional spheres, but we still have a certain level of control over the image we project in each. The choice of an email address is as a good a place to start as any.

How to Tie a Bow Tie

Trey — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 02:56:39 +0000

Bow Ties aren’t exactly everyday wear (unless you’re Tucker Carlson), but most guys still have to don one from time-to-time. Here’s a step-by-step guide.

1. Drape the bow tie around your neck and under your collar and grasp the ends, with the end on your right extending about 1.5 inches lower than the end on your left.

2. Cross the longer end over the shorter end. You should cross the tie near your neck so that the loop around your neck is just large enough to work with. You don’t want your bow dangling in front of your chest.

3. Pass the longer end up through the loop, forming a simple, loose overhand knot.

4. Grasp the loose (dangling) end that is now on your right and fold the end back to form a loop that is pinched between your thumb and index finger. Essentially, you want to double the right side of the tie (which originates on the left side of your neck) over itself to make the loop. Hold this loop, which will be the front loop of the completed tie, between your shirt’s collar points.

5. Drop the left end of the tie (the one which you passed up through the loop and which originates on the right side of your neck) over the front of the bow.

6. Form a new loop with the left end, just as you did with the first one. While still holding the loop you just made, double the end over itself.

7. Position the new loop behind the front loop facing the opposite direction. Pinch the loops together with your thumb and push the second loop into the knot behind the front loop. The tip of your right index finger will be in position to push the end of this loop into the hole behind the front loop. On one side, the loop will be on the front. On the other, it will be on the back.

8. Tighten the knot by pulling the two loops together, and straighten the bow tie. To loosen or untie the bow, pull on the tails.

If you’re still confused, check out this video.

Sources: Wikihow, CC 2.5 License.

Video: How to Tie a Bow Tie

Trey — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 02:55:35 +0000

For step-by-step instructions that you can print, check out this guide. Related posts:How to Properly Tie a Tie TED Conference Video – Tony Robbins on Motivations How to Tie a Bow Tie Related posts:

Hemingway on Drinking

Trey — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 06:01:47 +0000

“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.”

– Ernest Hemingway (1899 – 1961)

TED Conference Video – Tony Robbins on Motivations

Trey — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 05:56:38 +0000

If you haven’t taken the time to watch TED videos, they’re well worth the time. This one is from Tony Robbins and focuses on the things that motivate our actions.

Hemingway on Doing Things Sober

Trey — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 06:03:37 +0000

“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”

– Ernest Hemingway (1899 – 1961)

Great Quotes: Mark Twain on Honors

Trey — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:36:00 +0000

“It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.” – Mark Twain

How to Use “i.e.” Versus “e.g.”

Trey — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 12:28:07 +0000

The abbreviations "i.e." and "e.g." are commonly misused, because very few people actually know what each means. Here’s a simple guide, courtesy of wikiHow.

Become familiar with what i.e. and e.g. are abbreviating. "I.e." is an abbreviation of the Latin words id est, which mean "that is". "E.g." is an abbreviation for the Latin words exempli gratia, which mean "for the sake of example".

Associate each abbreviation with more easily remembered phrases. It’s not easy to remember Latin words, so it may be helpful to pretend that "i.e." stands for "in essence" or "in other words" and "e.g." stands for "example given".
Use "i.e." to paraphrase. Make a statement, then add "i.e." to explain or describe what you just said in a different way:
- The elephant is a pachyderm, i.e., an animal with thick skin and nails resembling hooves.
- I went to the dentist (i.e., hell).
Note that what follows "i.e." is some sort of definition. This can also be a metaphor. If you substitute "i.e." with "in other words" the sentences still make sense. If you plug in "for example" they do not.
Use "e.g." before giving one or more examples. Think of what precedes "e.g." as a category, and what follows it as something (or a few things) that would fall into that category:
- Buy some vegetables, e.g., carrots.
- I like power metal (e.g., Firewind, Iced Earth, Sonata Arctica).
Observe how using "i.e." wouldn’t make sense. "Carrots" is not another way to describe vegetables in general, it is just one of the many foods that are considered to be vegetables. If you wanted to use "i.e." you would write "Buy some vegetables, i.e., the edible part of any plant." Likewise, the bands given are examples of power metal, but not a description. If you were using "i.e." you would write something like "I like power metal, i.e., fast metal with symphonic elements and epic themes."
Use parentheses or commas with both. You can either insert a comma before "i.e." or "e.g." or you can use parentheses, both of which are shown in the examples above. If you use parentheses, open them right before the "e.g." or "i.e." and close them after you have given your example or alternate definition.

How to Use "i.e." Versus "e.g." used with permission (CC2.5).

Pascal on Seeking God

Trey — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 11:56:12 +0000

“There are only three types of people; those who have found God and serve him; those who have not found God and seek him, and those who live not seeking, or finding him. The first are rational and happy; the second unhappy and rational, and the third foolish and unhappy.”

– Blaise Pascal

A Man’s Guide to Dry Cleaning

Trey — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 11:37:10 +0000

As most people probably know, dry-cleaning isn’t actually “dry.” It simply means that garments are washed with a solvent (called perchlorethylene or DF2000) rather than soap and water. And despite the fact that many nicer garments do require dry-cleaning, it’s not necessarily easier on the fabric. So even for clothes that have to be cleaned this way, it’s best to do so only when necessary.

If you’re going to spend good money on clothes, it’s worth your while to take care of them—and to know what happens when you entrust them to someone else. The cleaner’s doesn’t have to be a black box–the place where you drop off valuable items and have them magically reappear the next day, looking like new.

To be honest, this is how I’ve always viewed the process…I know enough to check the labels and see if something I own has to be sent to the cleaner’s (the case with most dress pants, for instance). But what actually happens after things are dropped off? It’s always been a bit of a mystery to me.

Thankfully, I happened to find a pretty good overview recently. The author provides three good reasons it’s worth your while to know a little bit about the process:

First, you have to understand enough about the process to know what to do if an expensive item is damaged or lost.
Second, it’s important to understand the impact of dry-cleaning on your clothes. Since dry-cleaning can actually be tougher on fabric, you should know how often your garments need to be washed—and what the solvent does to the fibers.
Third, if you’re going to spend money on something, it’s a good idea to know what it is you’re paying for—and whether you’re actually getting extra value by paying more.

The author of the guide provides quite a few good tips (picking a drycleaner, what to have cleaned, how often, etc.), but the explanation of the process itself is pretty straightforward:

The dry cleaning process starts when you drop your clothing off; first it’s tagged and then sorted by whether it needs to be dry cleaned, laundered, pressed, or altered. At this point the clothing is often moved to another location; in fact, it’s not uncommon for all the dry cleaners in an area to use the same contractor or be owned by a few companies. This is why many cannot offer same day service or when “they” lose a garment you’re out of luck because the garment is lost in a much larger system than just the facility you dropped it off at. Also, despite two cleaners charging different prices for the same service, if they use the same master cleaning facility, you are receiving no added benefit despite paying more. I always look to use cleaners who do their work in house – I like knowing my garments are kept right where I dropped them off and handled by the person I gave them to.

Back to the process – after the drop-off stains are pre-treated (note – it’s very important you point out stains and label what the stain is so that it is treated properly) and the clothing is loaded into large machines where they sit in baskets and rotate in perchlorethylene – the perc is then drained using centrifugal force (shirts and other cotton garments are more often simply laundered with water and soap – it’s less expensive and does the job without damaging the fabric). A good cleaning facility will then inspect clothing for any remaining soiled spots and post-treat if necessary. Next the clothing is lightly steamed, pressed, and ironed where applicable. Finally, garments are sorted out, shipped if necessary, and then stored for pick-up.

If you’re anything like me, most of this is probably new (and not exactly what you spend your free time pondering!). Still, it’s something worth knowing at least a little bit about: your clothes are an investment, and should be cared for appropriately.

-Trey

[A Man’s Guide to Dry Cleaning at The Art of Manliness]

Great Quotes: Oscar Wilde on Hurt Feelings

Trey — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 01:17:22 +0000

"A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally."

– Oscar Wilde

Don’t Let Your Strength Become Your Weakness

Trey — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 00:47:40 +0000

Moderation is a quality that’s easily under-appreciated, especially for things that are generally accepted as desirable or good. Take positive character attributes—is it possible to have too much?

Gill Corkindale at the Harvard Business Blog argues that the answer is yes, because our biggest strengths can easily become our biggest weaknesses, often unexpectedly.

“There is always an optimal point: confidence that doesn’t border on arrogance, wit that doesn’t slide into sarcasm, and diligence that doesn’t become perfectionism. I have observed many leaders who have fallen into the strengths/weaknesses trap. Having been praised and rewarded for demonstrating particular strengths throughout their careers, they become blind to the shadow sides of these strengths. Often, this blind spot can derail a career.”

It makes sense that even a good thing can be taken too far, but most people probably don’t consider the possibility that their strongest traits could actually cause them harm. Citing a decade-long study of 18,000 UK leaders, Gill explains:

"They identified 11 derailers — strengths which turned into flaws under pressure. These include shrewd-mistrustful; charming-manipulative; vivacious-dramatic; and diligent-perfectionist. These "Dark Side Characteristics" were present in 85 percent of the leaders surveyed, with 16 percent having three dark-side characteristics."

Only by acknowledging potential “dark sides” of strengths can the need for moderation become apparent—if there aren’t any drawbacks, how could more NOT be better?

Check out Gill’s thoughts or the original study for more.

-Trey

Manage Your Online Reputation

Trey — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 15:35:38 +0000

There once was a time when the best approach for managing your online reputation was to make sure that people couldn’t find you at all. These days, that’s all but impossible.

So like it or not, your personal information is probably out there and available for anyone to find. The problem now isn’t making things go away (if something’s out there, someone with enough time and dedication can probably uncover it). The objective today should be to ensure that the things that DO appear are exactly what you want someone to find.

Granted, one part of this might actually include asking people to take down content painting you in an unfavorable light. The most critical aspect isn’t data elimination, however: it’s proactively publishing content consistent with the image you want to project. The Official Google Blog explains:

For example, if someone posts a negative review of your business on a restaurant review or consumer complaint site, that site might not be willing to remove the review. If you can’t get the content removed from the original site, you probably won’t be able to completely remove it from Google’s search results, either. Instead, you can try to reduce its visibility in the search results by proactively publishing useful, positive information about yourself or your business. If you can get stuff that you want people to see to outperform the stuff you don’t want them to see, you’ll be able to reduce the amount of harm that that negative or embarrassing content can do to your reputation.

Lifehacker has previously discussed the importance of using your own web domain as an online business card, and this is one of the most important aspects of proactive content posting. Even if there isn’t anything embarrassing out there, not having any negatives isn’t the same thing as having a good reputation—it’s just having no reputation at all. A domain name is a great first step towards building the online reputation you want, and it’s easier than you might think.

Bottom line: You can’t control what others say about you (at times it’s hard enough to even control what YOU say about you!), and if you’re doing anything that matters not everyone is going to have a favorable opinion. So rather than worry about what’s out there, project yourself in a positive manner and let others say what they might. The easiest way to deflect attention from a flawed painting isn’t to scrape paint off a canvas—it’s to create more paintings.

At the end of the day, you—and only you—are responsible for your personal brand. Make sure it’s a good one.

The Official Google Blog

Lifehacker

Great Quotes: Samuel Johnson on Kindness

Trey — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 11:23:41 +0000

"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good."

– Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

No related posts.

8 Ways Doing Less Can Transform Your Work and Life

Trey — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 01:21:53 +0000

“Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.” - Antoine de Saint Exupery

Post written by Leo Babauta. Follow me on Twitter.

Most productivity blogs and books will teach you how to do more, to get more done, to be more productive.

I want to teach you to do less, to get less done, to be less productive.

And while I’ve written about it before, I think it’s time we take a look at how this can really change your work life, and your life as a whole.

Doing less is not about being lazy (though being lazy is a good start) — it’s about focusing on quality rather than quantity. It’s about getting off the hamster wheel of productivity, so that you can create something great rather than just being busy.

Let’s take a few examples:

A furniture maker can mass-produce a ton of cheap furniture that will fall apart within a year. Another craftsman might produce way fewer pieces of furniture, but make them beautifully and solidly, so that they’ll last for generations. If he makes them well enough, they might even be sought out and remembered for their great design.
A programmer can write tens of thousands of lines of code, and produce a lot of software that works. A less productive coder can write a tenth of the lines, perhaps even editing down what she writes so that there’s less code, but they’re better written. This small program might be the most useful thing on many people’s computers, flawless code that just works.
A writer can churn out lots of words (hundreds of thousands, if not millions), but have his work read by relatively few. Another writer can write a small but powerful blog post or ebook, and have the post be spread by thousands of people.

In each case, the person produced less, but focused on quality. The impact of the smaller work was higher, and thus the time worked was better spent.

I’d argue that by focusing on quality, you could work less and still have a higher impact. I’ve done this in my life — by cutting back on my work hours, I actually get less done but have a higher impact.

I should note: this takes courage, to do less. You have to shed all the old ideas of working harder and working more and being more productive. You have to forget about what others thing about your work habits, and instead think about the impact the work has on the world and your life. You have to change the way you do things, and that’s never easy.

But it’s worth the effort.

Here are some ways this philosophy can change your life and work:

Less hectic, busy schedule, less stress, more peace. Doing less leaves free to schedule less, leave more space in your schedule, work at a more human pace.
More ability to focus, to find Flow, to work in the moment. When you are doing too much, you are constantly switching from one task to another, constantly interrupted, constantly distracted. Do less, clear away distractions, single-task.
Work has more impact and spreads further and wider. When you do too much, your work is spread thinner, you have lower quality, and people won’t spread your work or give you awards for low-quality work.
More pride in your work, which feels good. Feels awesome, actually, to create something worth putting your name on.
People appreciate higher quality. Customers rave. Readers enthuse. Reviewers glow. Bosses promote.
More time for family and loved ones. Not a small benefit. Be sure that if you do less, you use the saved time for something important. Like quiet time for the ones you love.
More time for other things you enjoy. I use my time for exercise, or reading, and of course my family.
Free yourself up to create amazing things. Creating is hard to do when you’re busy and distracted. By doing less, you can create something great.

How to Do Less

I almost didn’t include this section, as to me it seems obvious: you just … do less. But I realize it’s not obvious to everyone, so I’ll share a few tips (many are familiar to long-time readers):

Slowly cut back on non-essential commitments.
Have fewer meetings.
Say no to requests, as much as possible, so you can focus on doing something great.
Cut out distractions, especially the Internet.
Single-task and focus.
Churn out a shitty first draft, then edit.
Edit some more. Make it beautiful and minimal.
Make it something you will be proud to claim credit for.
When you find yourself doing busy-work, stop, put it off, find ways to cut that out of your life.
Whatever blocks you from doing your great work, kill it.
Set limits on how many things you do each day.
Focus on the most important tasks first, before you get distracted.
Set limits on your work hours.

It won’t happen overnight. Change gradually, but surely.

“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage – to move in the opposite direction.” - E.F. Schumacker

[Editor's note: As always, thanks to Leo Babauta for his thoughts and willingness to share them.

This post and others from Leo Babauta can found at one of our favorite blogs, http://zenhabits.net. Used with the author’s permission.

Original Article at Zen Habits.]

How to Properly Tie a Tie

Trey — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 01:04:37 +0000

The Gent’s Cheat Sheet

How to Properly Tie a Tie

There aren’t many skills more fundamental (and more common) to dressing with style than being able to properly tie a tie. Unfortunately, it’s not like riding a bike–so if it’s been a while since you’ve had to wear one, it can be surprisingly easy to forget how.

Lucky for those of us who could use a reminder from time-to-time, there are plenty of resources online for this sort of thing. One great site I found is a site devoted exclusively to tie tutorials. The tutorials are simple and easy to understand, with step-by-step instructions, mirror-image video, and simple illustrations. Here are a couple of videos for the most commonly-used knots–the “Four-in-Hand” and the “Half-Windsor.” For others, check out the site.

The Four-in-Hand:

The Half-Windsor:

Learn How to Tie a Tie.

Great Quotes: C.S. Lewis on Using the Right Words

Trey — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 04:15:37 +0000

“Don’t use words too big for the subject. Don’t say "infinitely" when you mean "very"; otherwise you’ll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite.”

– C.S. Lewis

GCS Recommends: Crooner Compilations

Trey — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 03:07:48 +0000

Build your collection of tunes for entertaining quickly (and cheaply!) with greatest hits compilations.

If you’re looking to build your collection of music for entertaining (particularly in more unfamiliar genres), greatest hits collections can definitely be a good way to go. They aren’t always available for newer artists, but choices abound if you’re looking for the best tracks from the classic crooners.

Greatest hits compilations can provide a few key benefits:

More bang for your buck. Most quality compilations contain between fifteen and twenty songs, so the per-song cost typically ends up being much lower than purchasing the songs individually or as part of a typical album with fewer tracks. For an example, take the Tony Bennett compilation included below—at $8.98 for twenty songs, it end up being only $0.45 per song.
Better quality. “Greatest hits” is self-explanatory: you’re not going to find much filler material.
A condensed overview. These types of collections tend to be particularly useful when considering unfamiliar genres or artists. You don’t have to educate yourself about an artist in order to select the best recordings—someone’s already compiled a “cheat sheet” and put them in one place.

If you’re looking to stretch your dollar when you pick up these compilations, here are a couple of techniques I’ve found helpful:

Take advantage of sales—both at big box stores and online. For example, I just picked up the Sinatra CD below from Target this past week for $9.99, and a great Bille Holiday compilation for $2.99 recently off of Amazon downloads.
Buy used CDs. I’ve found that you can often pick up copies of well-known albums for only a dollar or two (sometimes even under a dollar) under the “used” category on Amazon. I’ve never had any problems with scratches or other damage, and the total cost (even after you include a couple of dollars for shipping) ends up being very, very low.

I’ve included a few great compilations to consider below—the links are to the profile of the physical CD, but it should be easy to find the digital download or used CD pages for each. For other classic songs for a classy event, check out our playlist of 30 Hand-Picked Songs for a Classic Cocktail Party.

-Trey

Eight Simple Conversation Techniques for Drawing People Out

Trey — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 03:14:38 +0000

Every gent wants to be able to engage gracefully with other people, but some conversations can be more challenging than others—particularly with strangers and those with whom you don’t have much in common. How can you draw these people out in order to have a pleasant conversation? How can you convey authentic interest without coming across as fake?

Everyone encounters awkward conversations from time to time (see Embrace Awkwardness). It’s not the end of the world to realize that you don’t have much to say to someone, but it can be a shame because with a few simple techniques this rarely has to be the case. Below are a few simple tips that can be helpful in drawing people out.

Note that many of these tips have as much to do with an approach to people in general as they with specific conversation skills. Self-help and self-improvement sites often include tips for making small talk or chit-chat, but not for engaging with people in conversations over the long-term. If you just need pass the time with someone sitting next to you on the airplane this might work fine, but most interactions happen with people we see over and over again. For these types of relationships, it’s important to view conversations in light of both the immediate conversation and the long-term relationship.

Here are eight specific ways to accomplish that goal:

1. Use open-ended questions. This is a fundamental skill that’s often under-appreciated. Essentially, an open-ended question is one that invites someone to respond with more than a "yes," "no," or other one- or two-word response. The point is to get the other person talking about something they enjoy or care about—the things that are most likely to make them feel comfortable and enjoy the conversation. Some examples of open-ended questions might include:

"What got you started in medicine?" – Not "Do you like working at the hospital?"
"What’s your favorite part about watching a game at the stadium?" – Not "How many times have you seen this team play?"
"What brings you to an event like this?" – Not "So, come here often?"
"What do you think about the new U2 album?" – Not "Have you ever seen U2 live?"
"What were you doing when you heard about 9/11?" – Not "Do you remember when the Berlin Wall fell?"

And so on, and so on. Be careful not to overdo it lest you come across as insincere—it’s NOT about feigning interest or pretending that you’re fascinated by some mundane aspect of someone’s life. It’s about finding a topic that can facilitate a great conversation.

2. Give the person you’re talking with your undivided attention. This can be especially hard in today’s age of phone calls, instant messages, texting, or any of the countless other distractions which interrupt our days. If someone is in your office and the phone rings, make it a point to note that you can call the person back. It might be a small inconvenience, but everything you do sends a message about your priorities, and giving your company the attention they deserve shows them that you respect them (and their time) enough to focus on them exclusively. Along these lines, remember to make eye contact (not creepy eye contact, just enough to show that they have your attention) and don’t gaze out the window or fidget distractedly. Body language can clearly convey a message that’s entirely different than what you intend with your words.

3. Remember the seemingly small things that matter greatly to the other person. You might not think that they care if you remember the names of their kids or their wife’s favorite hobby, but it means a lot if you do. If the opportunity arises, to ask about the details of the other person’s life, especially those things you’ve never personally experience. If you work with someone, it’s easy enough to ask about how their new position is working out—that’s your own turf and probably something that’s easy to remember. Remembering that their five year old plays T-ball or that their high-schooler wants to join the military takes more effort and demonstrates that you view them (and their families) as a valuable people with unique interests, important relationships, and a life apart from whatever circumstances brought you together. Don’t force topics into conversations if it’s not relevant, of course—you’re not just trying to score points by showing that you remember.

4. Take active measures to remember—and USE—people’s names. Studies have shown that there is no sound that people enjoy hearing more than their own name, but this is far from the only reason to call people by name in conversations. Most notably, using someone’s name demonstrates that you recognize and affirm their individual identity. This might sound silly at first, but people want to know that view them as more than just some faceless cog in a machine. It doesn’t matter if it’s a waiter at a restaurant, your child’s teacher, a boss, or anyone else—using a name shows that you’re interacting with them as a person, not a position. Using someone’s name also has a practical benefit for you—it makes it much easier to engage someone that you encounter only occasionally. No one wants to run into someone in the hall (or even worse, have to ask for a favor) and start off by saying "hey, remind me of your name again." If you know that this’ll probably be the case, it can easily make you averse to speak with people for fear of embarrassment—so it’s much better to just learn, remember, and use their names up front.

5. Don’t approach conversations like one-night stands. If you have a fascinating conversation with someone and then never speak to them again, what’s the point? Just to pass the time engaged it witty banter? If you want to set the stage for a great conversation the next time you see someone, don’t just let them drop off your radar. Swing by and poke your head in their office, just to say hi–you don’t need a reason to say "Hey, I remember you said your Mom was sick when we talked a couple of weeks ago—how is she doing?" Think about how conversations fit into the long term picture, not just how to get through an awkward elevator ride or meeting.

6. Pause before speaking. This has a couple of effects: First it shows that you’re not in a rush to speak and that you actually care about what the other person has to say. You’re not just waiting for them to run out of breath so that you can share your own thoughts. Second, it prevents you from interrupting. By taking a calculated pause, you give yourself time to slow down enough to ensure that the other person has finished whatever thought they were trying to express. This may seem small, but it’s a small gesture that can go a long way towards developing an air of sincerity and authenticity. All the open-ended questions in the world can’t make up for someone who jumps in without waiting their turn to speak.

7. Find something to compliment. There’s nothing like positive reinforcement to give people a positive association with their interactions with you. This shouldn’t be empty words or flattery—just finding something nice to say that lets the other person know that you noticed something. It’s important that compliments be specific, since anyone can say "great job!" after a presentation. Check out The Art of Giving Praise for more suggestions on giving compliments in a ways that are meaningful to others.

8. In groups, try to shift the conversation away from issues that leave participants out. For instance: if you’re at a work party and notice a coworker’s spouse standing at the edge while a couple of people talk about office politics, try to find a way to (gracefully) move the conversation into something where everyone has something to offer. Open-ended questions can be especially helpful in this regard. Remember that some people might be uncomfortable speaking in front of strangers and would rather just hang back—so again, don’t force topics. In most cases, however, people are happy to share their thoughts if they believe they have something to contribute and the other person actually cares.

Keep in mind that the focus for all of these tips isn’t just on social success or even productive conversations. The point is to demonstrate respect for those around you and and ensure that your daily encounters leave others walking away feeling refreshed and valued.

If you have other conversation suggestions or tips, feel free to leave them in the “comments” section!

Stay Alive With Restroom Etiquette

Trey — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 01:57:58 +0000

The Gent’s Cheat Sheet

Stay Alive With Restroom Etiquette

Most social norms go without saying. In fact, that’s a big part of the reason they’re called social norms–by definition, they’re standards of behavior that have become so engrained that to state them should be entirely unnecessary. These norms are important—not only for their inherent value (there’s usually a good reason they become accepted), but because as gents, it’s our job to know what sort of behavior is acceptable and what must never, ever, ever occur (see: “The Comb-Over”).

Case in point: bathroom etiquette.

It would seem that the basic rules would fall into the “goes without saying” category, but unfortunately it seems that there will always be the 20 percent or so that just don’t seem to get the message. Keep in mind that we’re not talking about the most complicated of rules here—these are the most basic standards that all men should have no choice but follow.

If you research the topic online, you’ll find a wealth of information (as with everything, some valuable, much of it nonsense). There are even entire websites devoted to this important topic. Think I’m kidding? Check out the International Center for Bathroom Etiquette. This site covers every possible scenario…work, home, international, sinks, stalls, etc.—you name it. As you can see, this is a serious, serious topic! :)

For a good starting point, check out five basic rules from the ICBE for workplace etiquette. Among other things, these rules cover basics like washing your hands (duh!) and the cardinal sin of talking business between stalls.

Of course, codes of conduct that have taken thousands of years to develop can’t be quickly summarized in five rules. Some bathroom situations take some careful consideration—and in the most extreme situations, a willingness to even walk away and find another bathroom.

There are other resources to draw on, of course–here’s a good video that outlines the basics of urinal selection:

I know that I’m preaching to the choir here, since as gents you all have a very good feel what for what’s acceptable and what isn’t. But we all know people who don’t—and no one wants to be “that guy,” so do your friends a favor and help them understand what the rest of us already know. Even if YOU like bathroom conversations, or if you don’t mind shaking hands with people who walked out without washing—do it for the rest of us. We’re in this together!

These are serious rules, gents…so pay attention. Learn them. Live them. Love them. Expect nothing less from those around you. And maybe, just maybe, we can keep this ship on course.

Great Quotes: Jefferson on Attitude

Trey — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 11:00:53 +0000

"Nothing on earth can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude."
– Thomas Jefferson

The Habit Change Cheatsheet: How to Successfully Engrain a Behavior

Trey — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 00:13:27 +0000

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. — Aristotle

Guest post by Leo Babauta.

Our daily lives are often a series of habits played out through the day, a trammeled existence fettered by the slow accretion of our previous actions.

But habits can be changed, as difficult as that may seem sometimes.

I’m a living example: in tiny, almost infinitesimal steps, I’ve changed a laundry list of habits. Quit smoking, stopped impulse spending, got out of debt, began running and waking early and eating healthier and becoming frugal and simplifying my life and becoming organized and focused and productive, ran three marathons and a couple of triathlons, started a few successful blogs, eliminated my debt … you get the picture.

It’s possible.

And while I’ve written about habit change many times over the course of the life of Zen Habits, today I thought I’d put the best tips all together in one cheatsheet, for those new to the blog and for those who could use the reminders.

Keep it simple
Habit change is not that complicated. While the tips below will seem overwhelming, there’s really only a few things you need to know. Everything else is just helping these to become reality.

The simple steps of habit change:

1. Write down your plan.

2. Identify your triggers and replacement habits.

3. Focus on doing the replacement habits every single time the triggers happen, for about 30 days.

That’s it. We’ll talk more about each of these steps, and much more, in the cheatsheet below.

The Habit Change Cheatsheet
The following is a compilation of tips to help you change a habit. Don’t be overwhelmed — always remember the simple steps above. The rest are different ways to help you become more successful in your habit change.

1. Do just one habit at a time. Extremely important. Habit change is difficult, even with just one habit. If you do more than one habit at a time, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Keep it simple, allow yourself to focus, and give yourself the best chance for success. Btw, this is why New Year’s resolutions often fail — people try to tackle more than one change at a time.

2. Start small. The smaller the better, because habit change is difficult, and trying to take on too much is a recipe for disaster. Want to exercise? Start with just 5-10 minutes. Want to wake up earlier? Try just 10 minutes earlier for now. Or consider half habits.

3. Do a 30-day Challenge. In my experience, it takes about 30 days to change a habit, if you’re focused and consistent. This is a round number and will vary from person to person and habit to habit. Often you’ll read a magical “21 days” to change a habit, but this is a myth with no evidence. Seriously — try to find the evidence from a scientific study for this. A more recent study shows that 66 days is a better number (read more). But 30 days is a good number to get you started. Your challenge: stick with a habit every day for 30 days, and post your daily progress updates to a forum.

4. Write it down. Just saying you’re going to change the habit is not enough of a commitment. You need to actually write it down, on paper. Write what habit you’re going to change.

5. Make a plan. While you’re writing, also write down a plan. This will ensure you’re really prepared. The plan should include your reasons (motivations) for changing, obstacles, triggers, support buddies, and other ways you’re going to make this a success. More on each of these below.

6. Know your motivations, and be sure they’re strong. Write them down in your plan. You have to be very clear why you’re doing this, and the benefits of doing it need to be clear in your head. If you’re just doing it for vanity, while that can be a good motivator, it’s not usually enough. We need something stronger. For me, I quit smoking for my wife and kids. I made a promise to them. I knew if I didn’t smoke, not only would they be without a husband and father, but they’d be more likely to smoke themselves (my wife was a smoker and quit with me).

7. Don’t start right away. In your plan, write down a start date. Maybe a week or two from the date you start writing out the plan. When you start right away (like today), you are not giving the plan the seriousness it deserves. When you have a “Quit Date” or “Start Date”, it gives that date an air of significance. Tell everyone about your quit date (or start date). Put it up on your wall or computer desktop. Make this a Big Day. It builds up anticipation and excitement, and helps you to prepare.

8. Write down all your obstacles. If you’ve tried this habit change before (odds are you have), you’ve likely failed. Reflect on those failures, and figure out what stopped you from succeeding. Write down every obstacle that’s happened to you, and others that are likely to happen. Then write down how you plan to overcome them. That’s the key: write down your solution before the obstacles arrive, so you’re prepared.

9. Identify your triggers. What situations trigger your current habit? For the smoking habit, for example, triggers might include waking in the morning, having coffee, drinking alcohol, stressful meetings, going out with friends, driving, etc. Most habits have multiple triggers. Identify all of them and write them in your plan.

10. For every single trigger, identify a positive habit you’re going to do instead. When you first wake in the morning, instead of smoking, what will you do? What about when you get stressed? When you go out with friends? Some positive habits could include: exercise, meditation, deep breathing, organizing, decluttering, and more.

“Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.” — Mark Twain

11. Plan a support system. Who will you turn to when you have a strong urge? Write these people into your plan. Support forums online are a great tool as well — I used a smoking cessation forum on about.com when I quit smoking, and it really helped. Don’t underestimate the power of support — it’s really important.

12. Ask for help. Get your family and friends and co-workers to support you. Ask them for their help, and let them know how important this is. Find an AA group in your area. Join online forums where people are trying to quit. When you have really strong urges or a really difficult time, call on your support network for help. Don’t smoke a cigarette, for example, without posting to your online quit forum. Don’t have a drop of alcohol before calling your AA buddy.

13. Become aware of self-talk. You talk to yourself, in your head, all the time — but often we’re not aware of these thoughts. Start listening. These thoughts can derail any habit change, any goal. Often they’re negative: “I can’t do this. This is too difficult. Why am I putting myself through this? How bad is this for me anyway? I’m not strong enough. I don’t have enough discipline. I suck.” It’s important to know you’re doing this.

14. Stay positive. You will have negative thoughts — the important thing is to realize when you’re having them, and push them out of your head. Squash them like a bug! Then replace them with a positive thought. “I can do this! If Leo can do it, so can I!” :)

15. Have strategies to defeat the urge. Urges are going to come — they’re inevitable, and they’re strong. But they’re also temporary, and beatable. Urges usually last about a minute or two, and they come in waves of varying strength. You just need to ride out the wave, and the urge will go away. Some strategies for making it through the urge: deep breathing, self-massage, eat some frozen grapes, take a walk, exercise, drink a glass of water, call a support buddy, post on a support forum.

16. Prepare for the sabotagers. There will always be people who are negative, who try to get you to do your old habit. Be ready for them. Confront them, and be direct: you don’t need them to try to sabotage you, you need their support, and if they can’t support you then you don’t want to be around them.

17. Talk to yourself. Be your own cheerleader, give yourself pep talks, repeat your mantra (below), and don’t be afraid to seem crazy to others. We’ll see who’s crazy when you’ve changed your habit and they’re still lazy, unhealthy slobs!

18. Have a mantra. For quitting smoking, mine was “Not One Puff Ever” (I didn’t make this up, but it worked — more on this below). When I wanted to quit my day job, it was “Liberate Yourself”. This is just a way to remind yourself of what you’re trying to do.

19. Use visualization. This is powerful. Vividly picture, in your head, successfully changing your habit. Visualize doing your new habit after each trigger, overcoming urges, and what it will look like when you’re done. This seems new-agey, but it really works.

20. Have rewards. Regular ones. You might see these as bribes, but actually they’re just positive feedback. Put these into your plan, along with the milestones at which you’ll receive them.

21. Take it one urge at a time. Often we’re told to take it one day at a time — which is good advice — but really it’s one urge at a time. Just make it through this urge.

22. Not One Puff Ever (in other words, no exceptions). This seems harsh, but it’s a necessity: when you’re trying to break the bonds between an old habit and a trigger, and form a new bond between the trigger and a new habit, you need to be really consistent. You can’t do it sometimes, or there will be no new bond, or at least it will take a really really long time to form. So, at least for the first 30 days (and preferably 60), you need to have no exceptions. Each time a trigger happens, you need to do the new habit and not the old one. No exceptions, or you’ll have a backslide. If you do mess up, regroup, learn from your mistake, plan for your success, and try again (see the last item on this list).

23. Get rest. Being tired leaves us vulnerable to relapse. Get a lot of rest so you can have the energy to overcome urges.

24. Drink lots of water. Similar to the item above, being dehydrated leaves us open to failure. Stay hydrated!

25. Renew your commitment often. Remind yourself of your commitment hourly, and at the beginning and end of each day. Read your plan. Celebrate your success. Prepare yourself for obstacles and urges.

26. Set up public accountability. Blog about it, post on a forum, email your commitment and daily progress to friend and family, post a chart up at your office, write a column for your local newspaper (I did this when I ran my first marathon). When we make it public — not just the commitment but the progress updates — we don’t want to fail.

27. Engineer it so it’s hard to fail. Create a groove that’s harder to get out of than to stay in: increase positive feedback for sticking with the habit, and increase negative feedback for not doing the habit. Read more on this method.

28. Avoid some situations where you normally do your old habit, at least for awhile, to make it a bit easier on yourself. If you normally drink when you go out with friends, consider not going out for a little while. If you normally go outside your office with co-workers to smoke, avoid going out with them. This applies to any bad habit — whether it be eating junk food or doing drugs, there are some situations you can avoid that are especially difficult for someone trying to change a bad habit. Realize, though, that when you go back to those situations, you will still get the old urges, and when that happens you should be prepared.

29. If you fail, figure out what went wrong, plan for it, and try again. Don’t let failure and guilt stop you. They’re just obstacles, but they can be overcome. In fact, if you learn from each failure, they become stepping stones to your success. Regroup. Let go of guilt. Learn. Plan. And get back on that horse.

Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones. – Benjamin Franklin

The Habit Change Cheatsheet: 29 Ways to Successfully Ingrain a Behavior at Zenhabits.

Great Quotes: John Stuart Mill on War

Trey — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 11:49:17 +0000

“War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself.”

– John Stuart Mill

Great Quotes: Socrates on Reputations

Trey — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 04:23:37 +0000

“Regard your good name as the richest jewel you can possibly be possessed of – for credit is like fire; when once you have kindled it you may easily preserve it, but if you once extinguish it, you will find it an arduous task to rekindle it again. The way to gain a good reputation is to endeavor to be what you desire to appear.”

– Socrates

Clothing Alterations and a Good Tailor: Style Essentials

Trey — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 04:13:16 +0000

You probably know a reputable mechanic for auto repairs. But who do you call on for help with something much more important–your personal appearance?

Today, The Art of Manliness shared a practical post covering the basics of clothes alterations and tips for selecting a tailor. It’s not something most of us think about on a daily basis, but definitely worth considering in light of the fact that the way clothes fit can often be more important than the way they actually look. It’s also important to know when a damaged item is salvageable, when it needs to be replaced–or at least who to ask. Among other tips, they share a quick guide outlining the different types of alterations, according to cost and level of skill.

Common Alterations and the Level of Skill They Require

Basic Skill Alterations – Cost is low – you could do it yourself with a little guidance from a friend who can sew or a reputable manual.

Button & zipper replacement

Trouser leg length

Jacket sleeve length (non-working buttons & unlined)

Medium Skill Alterations – Cost is a little more expensive than the above, but always worth the price if this is what you need to make your garment fit.

Jacket sleeve length (non-working buttons & lined)

Fixing neck roll

Bring in or opening up the torso on a jacket

Bringing in or opening up a pair of trousers

Taper trouser legs

Shortening a shirt sleeve

Replacing a shirt collar

Adding darts

Tapering the shirt

High Skill Alterations – Expensive – make sure your tailor is good and knows what they are doing.

Jacket sleeve length (working buttons & lined)

Jacket length

Rotating the jacket sleeve (correcting for arm pitch)

Relining the jacket

Reducing shirt shoulders

Re-weaving – fixes small holes by using fabric found elsewhere on the suit to create an invisible patch

There are other factors to consider, of course–especially when deciding on the right tailor. A tailor, like an auto mechanic, is someone you probably won’t see every day–but then the time comes, it’s good to know a reputable place to call.

A Man’s Guide to Clothing Alterations at Art of Manliness.

Great Quotes: Ben Franklin on Wine and Happiness

Trey — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 00:03:09 +0000

“Behold the rain which descends from heaven upon our vineyards, there it enters the roots of the vines, to be changed into wine, a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy.”

– Ben Franklin

(The “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy” quote is actually an urban myth.)

Great Quotes: George C. Marshall on Looking Forward

Trey — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 23:34:15 +0000

“When a thing is done, it’s done. Don’t look back. Look forward to your next objective.”

– General George C. Marshall

Is Your Playlist Undermining Your Effectiveness?

Trey — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 02:53:27 +0000

Music has a powerful—and often underappreciated—effect on the human brain and our emotions. As a result, what we listen to can easily (and inadvertently) have a tremendous impact on our mental state and on the quality of our interactions throughout the day. So if it has a strong emotional component, what types of music—and which corresponding emotions—do we want as influences?

When picking a playlist for an important event, we usually take great care to select music that’s consistent with, and contributes to, the ambience or mood. So we’ll take care to ensure that our guests are comfortable and relaxed—but how often do we actually do the same thing in our own lives?

There’s a reason music (especially certain types, most notably rock and rap) is used for activities like working out or sports—it’s a great performance-enhancing tool. In other words, it pumps you up; it’s inspiring. It’s motivational. It can quicken your step or help you summon the energy to get one last set in. But is adrenaline-fueled, playing field performance the type you’re looking for in your day job? Do you really want to be pumped up right before a meeting or event where it’s very important to keep your cool? If you wouldn’t listen to Enya before working out, why listen to aggressive music when you need to stay positive or relaxed? Or before trying to fall asleep?

Here’s what I’ve realized:

If my goal is to walk to into a room in a collected manner, it seems counterproductive to listen to my workout playlist on the drive over. Just like it’s hard to rush down a hallway and then to walk calmly and quietly into a meeting, it’s also hard to shut off other influences instantaneously.

This may seem like a no-brainer to quite a few of you, but it’s something that has only dawned on me recently. I generally listen to rock, so I didn’t realize what I was missing until I actually started listening to genuinely relaxing music and noticed what a big difference it made. So now if I’m driving to a meeting or trying to unwind in the evening, I find that consciously picking relaxing music can have a big impact on how I approach things. I haven’t stopped listening to the music I love, I’m just more aware of the effect that it has on me.

Since so much of life is already predetermined, I think it’s important to realize that your mental and emotional state doesn’t always have to be a byproduct of an environment that’s beyond your control. There may be times when you have no choice but to accept your surroundings for what they are—but it’s also possible to adapt your surroundings to your objectives, rather than the other way around.

Your music is as good a place to start as any.

-tg

Great Quotes: Roosevelt on the Man in the Arena

Trey — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 23:30:11 +0000

“It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and… sweat and blood; who strives valiantly…who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at best, knows the triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

– Theodore Roosevelt, 1910

The Slow Secret: How to Make Lasting Changes in Your Life

Trey — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 02:06:55 +0000

“Wisely, and slow. They stumble that run fast.” – William Shakespeare

Post written by Leo Babauta. Follow me on Twitter.

How many times have you rushed into making changes in your life — a habit change, learning a new skill — only to have it flop?

It’s not just the New Year’s Resolution Syndrome — it happens too often at all times of the year, that we run out of steam or get discouraged and give up.

But here’s the secret, and I won’t charge you $29.95 for it: go slowly.

This little change has more power than most people realize. It will help to learn any skill, from martial arts to art to computer activities. It will help form habits that are long-lasting. Slowing down will help you become more effective and ironically, help reach goals faster.

If you’ve ever tried T’ai Chi (or Taijiquan), famous for its series of slow movements and poses, you’ve felt the power of slow. The slower you go in T’ai Chi, the better, for many reasons. One effect of this slowness is that you perfect the movements. And your body adapts, forming muscle memories that will last when (and if) you decide to speed up the movements.

It’s as if your body and mind are forming a groove through continual repetition of the movements. If you move quickly, you’ll be erratic, and the groove will be much more difficult to form. If you move slowly, you can learn to move in exactly the same pattern, in a more precise way, and a groove will form. Once the groove is formed, it becomes easier. It’s now habit, unconscious memory, and automatic.

This is habit formation, and usually it’s done without thought. When we drive home and our minds are on something else, but we make the right motions to get home anyway … this is habit, this is our minds and bodies going in a groove we’ve formed by doing these actions so many times before.

The groove is best formed by going slow, at first.

This applies to anything: exercise, eating healthy, creating art, becoming a patient parent, carpentry, reading. Slow is the secret to making it last. And no, that’s not meant to be dirty.

Some of the reasons slow works, besides forming a groove:

1. Mindfulness. When you do something slowly, you can pay more attention to what you’re doing. I highly recommend that when you make changes, you do them mindfully, with full concentration. This increased awareness is necessary in the beginning, when you’re still forming the groove. Later, it’ll become automatic, but at first it’s anything but. You need to pay attention, and you can do this better when you do it slower.

2. You hold yourself back. Holding ourselves back is often considered a bad thing, but it’s not. It’s the best thing we can do, if we want changes to last. When we start a new change, often we are full of enthusiasm. But then we go all out and use up all of that enthusiasm, and run out of motivation or energy or get distracted by something else. But when you hold yourself back, you build up enthusiasm and keep it going for much longer — through that dreaded 2-3 week barrier when people often quit. So even if you want to run 3 miles at first, start with walking and then run-walking (in intervals), and only do a mile or so. You’ll want to do more, but stop yourself. Save that enthusiasm for next time.

3. You learn it right. Doing something slowly means you can learn to do it correctly, without being erratic, and later as it becomes second nature you’ll do it the right way. The importance is obvious in something like martial arts, but it’s also true in any physical activity. And every activity is physical (and mental).

4. Increased focus. When you do something slowly, you tend to do just one thing. It’s hard to multi-task and do something slowly — they don’t mix well. When you single-task, you can focus, instead of always being distracted. This leads to increased effectiveness.

5. Calm. Slow is calmer. Fast is hectic. Go slow to get rid of the chaos, and find peace.

“Slow down, everyone. You’re moving too fast.” – Jack Johnson

[Editor's note: As always, thanks to Leo Babauta for his thoughts and willingness to share them. - tg]

This post and others from Leo Babauta can found at http://zenhabits.net. Used with the author’s permission.

Original Article at Zen Habits.

Simple Tips for Detecting Lies Through Body Language

Trey — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 16:30:37 +0000

No matter how smooth the liar, body language can often provide valuable clues that someone might be trying to pull a fast one on you. Howcast provides a simple overview of key signs that can tip you off to a lie through gestures, demeanor, and general body language.

Among the most important: eye contact, hand movement, posture, smiling, and specific “unusual” words.

How To Detect a Lie on Howcast

How to Detect a Lie at Howcast [via Lifehacker]

Great Quotes: Pascal on Persuasive Ideas

Trey — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 11:44:48 +0000

To truly convince someone, don’t always spell things out–letting people come to their own conclusions can often be much more fruitful than proving a case. Abandoning the need to “own” ideas can enable others to truly take them on as their own.

“People are generally better persuaded by the reasons which they have themselves discovered than by those which have come into the mind of others.”
– Blaise Pascal

30 Hand-Picked Songs for a Classic Cocktail Party

Trey — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 01:25:58 +0000

Throwing a cocktail party is a nice way to have a good time and enjoy a classy atmosphere that most of us don’t experience every day. Music can be a key aspect of this kind of event, but it’s also something that can be easy to overlook. Here are 30 hand-picked songs (in no particular order) that can help make a classic cocktail party a success:

Check out the Amazon application below the list for a sample of each song.

Frank Sinatra: The Way You Look Tonight
Frank Sinatra: Luck be a Lady
Frank Sinatra: Fly Me to the Moon
Frank Sinatra: Theme From New York, New York
Louis Armstrong: What a Wonderful World
Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong: Dream a Little Dream of Me
Louis Armstrong: La Vie En Rose
Bobby Darin: Beyond the Sea
Israel “IZ” Kamakawiwo’ole: Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What A Wonderful Worl
Harry Connick, Jr.: It Had to be You
Harry Connick, Jr.: Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off
Harry Connick, Jr.: A Wink And A Smile
Harry Connick, Jr.: We Are In Love
Mel Tormé: That’s All
Mel Tormé: Blue Moon
Elvis Presley: Can’t Help Falling In Love
Dean Martin: Ain’t That A Kick In The Head
Dean Martin: Return to Me
Nat King Cole And Natalie Cole: Unforgettable
Nat King Cole: Stardust
Robbie Williams And Frank Sinatra: It Was a Very Good Year
The Penguins: Earth Angel (Will You Be Mine)
Ben E. King: Stand by Me
Michael Bublé: Save The Last Dance For Me
Michael Bublé: You Don’t Know Me
Michael Bublé: Sway
Michael Bublé: Wonderful Tonight
Michael Bublé: Come Fly With Me
Etta James: At Last
Billie Holiday: The Very Thought of You

5 Powerful Reasons to Eat Slower

Trey — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 15:43:18 +0000

The way we eat can often be reflective of our general approach to life, but it’s not only a gauge—our pace can also have a direct impact on our personal well being and interactions throughout the day. Slowing down is a great way to keep your cool in general, but here are five additional benefits that can easily come from applying the principle at meals. In addition to the five reasons Leo notes, I’d also add that slowing down at meals also has an important social benefit—it allows you focus on the people you’re eating with and enjoy the conversation. It’s always nice to have meals center not on the food but on the company. Thanks as always to Leo Babauta for his thoughts. -tg

By Leo Babauta, editor of zenhabits.net.

If you read the Slow Food Manifesto, you’ll see that it’s not just about health — it’s about a lifestyle. And whether you want to adopt that lifestyle or not, there are some reasons you should consider the simple act of eating slower:

One of the problems in our daily lives is that many of us rush through the day, with no time for anything … and when we have time to get a bite to eat, we gobble it down.

That leads to stressful, unhealthy living.

And with the simple but powerful act of eating slower, we can begin to reverse that lifestyle immediately. How hard is it? You take smaller bites, you chew each bite slower and longer, and you enjoy your meal longer.

It takes a few minutes extra each meal, and yet it can have profound effects.

You may have already heard of the Slow Food Movement, started in Italy almost two decades ago to counter the fast food movement. Everything that fast food is, Slow Food isn’t.

Lose weight. A growing number of studies confirm that just by eating slower, you’ll consume fewer calories — in fact, enough to lose 20 pounds a year without doing anything different or eating anything different. The reason is that it takes about 20 minutes for our brains to register that we’re full. If we eat fast, we can continue eating past the point where we’re full. If we eat slowly, we have time to realize we’re full, and stop on time. Now, I would still recommend that you eat healthier foods, but if you’re looking to lose weight, eating slowly should be a part of your new lifestyle.
Enjoy your food. This reason is just as powerful, in my opinion. It’s hard to enjoy your food if it goes by too quickly. In fact, I think it’s fine to eat sinful foods, if you eat a small amount slowly. Think about it: you want to eat sinful foods (desserts, fried foods, pizza, etc.) because they taste good. But if you eat them fast, what’s the point? If you eat them slowly, you can get the same amount of great taste, but with less going into your stomach. That’s math that works for me. And that argument aside, I think you are just happier by tasting great food and enjoying it fully, by eating slowly. Make your meals a gastronomic pleasure, not a thing you do rushed, between stressful events.
Better digestion. If you eat slower, you’ll chew your food better, which leads to better digestion. Digestion actually starts in the mouth, so the more work you do up there, the less you’ll have to do in your stomach. This can help lead to fewer digestive problems.
Less stress. Eating slowly, and paying attention to our eating, can be a great form ofmindfulness exercise. Be in the moment, rather than rushing through a meal thinking about what you need to do next. When you eat, you should eat. This kind of mindfulness, I believe, will lead to a less stressful life, and long-term happiness. Give it a try.
Rebel against fast food and fast life. Our hectic, fast-paced, stressful, chaotic lives — the Fast Life — leads to eating Fast Food, and eating it quickly. This is a lifestyle that is dehumanizing us, making us unhealthy, stressed out, and unhappy. We rush through our day, doing one mindless task after another, without taking the time to live life, to enjoy life, to relate to each other, to be human. That’s not a good thing in my book. Instead, rebel against that entire lifestyle and philosophy … with the small act of eating slower. Don’t eat Fast Food. Eat at a good restaurant, or better yet, cook your own food and enjoy it fully. Taste life itself.

5 Powerful Reasons to Eat Slower at Zen Habits.

Great Quotes: Lincoln on Vices and Virtues

Trey — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 12:08:27 +0000

Daily Thought: Be patient with the gents around you…if anyone truly had their act together they’d probably be very, very boring.

“It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.”

– Abraham Lincoln

Great Quotes: Sir Francis Bacon on Shortsightedness

Trey — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 11:00:44 +0000

“They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can see nothing but sea.”
– Sir Francis Bacon

How to Handle the Pessimist on Your Team

Trey — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 01:38:03 +0000

This past week the Harvard Business Blog shared an excellent article highlighting effective tips for mitigating the toxic (and sadly, often pervasive) influence of pessimists on a team. The article is worth reading in its entirety, so I won’t try to summarize the whole thing here.

As I know many of you know, pessimistic griping CAN have a role to play, and it certainly can help a team bond quickly in the face of a common enemy (good example: a basic training drill instructor). Overall though, it’s definitely a negative force that needs to be contained because of it’s contagious nature and propensity to spread quickly. Bad attitudes tend to breed more bad attitudes, and it’s much easier to prevent the downward spiral to begin with than to recover from an attitudinal tailspin. I’m all for healthy cynicism, but that’s a special breed of pessimism (or is it realism?) and the subject of a post for another day. So I’ll leave it there and share a few the key principles worth noting:

Principles to Remember
Do:

Find the source of the pessimism

Differentiate between the person and the behavior

Involve the whole team in setting norms for team behavior

Don’t:

Single someone out in front of the whole group

Allow negative comments to go unaddressed

Assume all pessimism is unproductive

What about you? Do you succumb to pessimism yourself? Are there other good techniques you’ve found for containing the spread?

-Trey

How to Handle the Pessimist on Your Team [The Harvard Business Blog]

Great Quotes: Sir Arthur Conan Doyle on Theories

Trey — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 11:28:20 +0000

“It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts.”
– Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Great Quotes: Franklin on Money & Values

Trey — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 11:22:37 +0000

“He that is of the opinion money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money.”

– Benjamin Franklin

Great Quotes: Lindbergh on Daring

Trey — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 11:27:24 +0000

“Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? Is there a better way to die?”

– Charles Lindbergh

The Art of Giving Praise

Trey — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 03:31:08 +0000

Four Practical Tips for Giving Praise

We all know that genuine praise can brighten the day of not only the recipient, but the praise-giver as well. But how can you ensure that your commendations are received in the spirit they’re intended? Steven DeMaio at The Harvard Business Blog offers four practical tips today in a post entitled The Art of Giving Praise. Here are the four (with my paraphrased explanations):

1. Be truly specific. Anyone can come up with a generic “great job!”, but noting something specific lets the recipient know that you truly noticed something worthwhile. I don’t know if this is what Steven was getting at, but I see it as the positive equivalent of an apology. Sure, it can’t help to just say “I’m sorry” — but it’s an acknowledgment of the specifics that lets the other person know you truly get it.

2. Don’t confuse politeness with praise. It’s certainly important to be polite, but it’s like anything else–when overused it can easily become underappreciated because the impact wears off. If you express thanks and appreciation for everything, don’t expect others to understand praise if it’s couched in the same exact terms.

3. Praise with action, not just words. This seems like a no-brainer, but it’s awfully easy to toss out a few compliments here and there without follow-up. Saying you place full faith and confidence in your people is one thing–actually demonstrating it in a way that they can appreciate is another.

4. Don’t pad constructive criticism with empty praise. Yes, of course it makes sense to phrase things positively–but there can be too much of a good thing. Trying too hard to be positive can undermine your credibility and lead others to doubt the sincerity of your words.

Some of these might take a little effort, but a couple (“being specific” in particular) strike me as things that should be pretty easy to do.

What about you? How do you make sure that your praise actually gets translated as such?

-Trey

The Art of Giving Praise

Great Quotes: Churchill on Brutal Honesty

Trey — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 11:00:43 +0000

“I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”

–Winston Churchill

How to Manage Your Ego So You Can Reach Your Full Potential

Trey — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 12:25:25 +0000

What’s your primary motivation in life?

Most of us want to achieve something in life…but there are time when our aspirations go beyond being a good steward of the opportunities we’ve been given and taken on a life of their own. They can even be masked in noble terminology like wanting to “leave a legacy” — not an inherently negative thing, but when our egos take charge any noble thing can easily become more about the person and less about the work being accomplished.

Dumb Little Man discussed the Ego yesterday, using movies characters (Johhny Depp as George Jung in Blow, and Denzel Washington as Frank Lucas in American Gangster) as examples of egos run amok. They also shared six signs that someone might be ego-driven.

Check out the article for full descriptions, but these six signs are:

Concern with the approval of others
Fear of asking for help
Comparing and Competing
The constant need for more
Lack of presence
The need to always be right

If found their thought on comparing yourself particularly good:

“People who are driven by ego often fall victim to what I call the comparative and competitive disadvantage. Comparing yourself to others is the ego in one of its most vicious forms. It’s a perpetual losing battle because there will always be somebody better and always somebody worse than you are. Even if you are the best in the world at what you do somebody will always be right on your tail. If you keep seeing your life as a competition with those around you, then you will continually be dissatisfied and the ego will drive your life.”

These are good to keep in mind, especially in a competitive, Type-A culture where everything is about competition and “getting ahead.” I’m sure that many of the factors driving egos are more complicated than I could really comprehend or explain, by I have a suspicion that competitive and aggressive environments that measure us in terms of our outward achievements have to play some kind of role. Or maybe it has less to do with our environment and more to do with basic human nature. In any case, these six signs are good to keep in mind.

-Trey

[How to Manage Your Ego So You Can Reach Your Full Potential at Dumb Little Man]

Peacock Photo by BS_Thurner_Hof, GNU 1.2 License

Great Quotes: MLK on the Silence of Friends

Trey — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 11:00:16 +0000

“In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”
– Martin Luther King, Jr.

Manliness and the Gent

Trey — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 03:59:29 +0000

What’s the Connection?

The fine gents at The Art of Manliness (one of our favorite blogs, I might add) have a great post up today titled “The Different Types of Manliness.” In it, they describe six different “types” of men that personify the ideals of manliness in unique ways. Each type is a caricature used to illustrate specific qualities. According to the article, the six include The Warrior, The Lone Wolf, The Adventurer, The Gentleman, The Statesman, and The Family Man.

I won’t go into the full description of each type here (read their post), but their description of the external characteristics of a gentleman is quite good:

“The gentleman is suave, urbane, polite and respectful to all, both to inferiors and superiors. Dapper in dress, proficient in the conversational arts, confident and witty, he easily wins friends and woos the ladies. He is skilled in and knowledgeable about arts, culture, and current events.”

They provide a similar description for each of the types, and ultimately make the argument that each offers something unique and that no single type is any better than the others. As they put it,

“From the warrior we learn courage; from the lone wolf we come to understand the importance of individuality; the adventurer teaches us to find ways to explore wherever we are in life; the gentleman rounds off our rough edges; the statesman reminds us to be civic-minded, and the family man teaches us about selflessness.”

A very good point, because any successful leader will incorporate the best qualities of each. We happen to focus on the gentlemen here, but we’re very thankful to sites like The Art of Manliness for covering the whole equation. They give us context and perspective, and in doing so, help us focus on our particular niche. Our hope is to offer up a perspective that those with different approaches may find helpful as well.

The Characteristics of a Gentleman: More Important With Time?

If you consider being a gentleman an end itself, then I’d agree that the characteristics described are just one way for core values to manifest themselves. No type can be any more or less important than the others. But if being a gentleman is more an approach than a destination, for most men this means that that it increases in relative importance over time.

Why? If you examine the description of a gentleman used by The Art of Manliness, you’ll see that most of the characteristics actually revolve around the way the gentleman interacts with others and society. This type of interaction becomes increasingly important in leadership roles, primarily because of the increased emphasis placed on interpersonal relationships and communication skills. This isn’t a matter of principle but of practicality: professional progress usually results in displacement from the tactical (hands-on) level and puts men into positions where interpersonal skill and charisma are crucial to the ability to lead.

In the business world, most managers that come up through the ranks of a company usually face a moment when they have to relinquish their role in day-to-day affairs and become “the management.” So while it’s possible for any type of man to progress in their field, the interpersonal nature of a gentleman’s skill set means that there’s a natural tendency for it to be adopted by leaders of all types.

An Officer and a Gentleman – The Military Example

As an example, note that a military General—no matter how brave—will rarely actually have to face the enemy face to face. He’s simply too important, and his value lies in his ability to set a vision, clearly convey strategy and approach, and lead and inspire others to go forward. These skills are rooted in his role as a warrior, but they are primarily interpersonal in nature. This is the realm of a gentleman.

It’s possible to be a foot soldier without knowing anything beyond your immediate circumstances—all that’s required is an ability and willingness to follow orders. But if you want to be a General, you have to know how the things you’re asking of your men fit in to the big picture. You have to be able to communicate your vision to subordinates. You have to inspire the confidence that would lead a soldier to put his life on the line, and you definitely have to keep your cool under fire. Many soldiers can be tough—but those that aspire to become Generals usually have to become gentlemen as well.

As a cadet at the Air Force Academy, one of the key lessons that I learned from the very first day was the importance of being not only an officer, but an officer and a gentleman. What the military refers to as “customs and courtesies” are not only as part of military discipline, but also a key component of leadership training that’s ultimately applicable far beyond the battlefield.

The Bottom Line

The superficial stuff of a gentleman—style, class, and taste—may seem important at times, but they really don’t matter all that much in the long run when compared to the interpersonal qualities that really matter. The meaningful and substantive characteristics are those that allow one to lead and serve effectively, and I’d suggest that to the extent that these characteristics can be found in a gentleman, they can also enable the success of any type of man.

-Trey

Original Article: The Different Types of Manliness at The Art of Manliness

Great Quotes: Thomas Jefferson on Staying Unruffled

Trey — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 13:00:50 +0000

“Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances.”

– Thomas Jefferson

Great Quotes: Galileo on The Use of God’s Gifts

Trey — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 11:00:43 +0000

“I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.”

– Galileo Galilei

Great Quotes: Mark Twain on Generalizations

Trey — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 13:00:24 +0000

“All generalizations are false, including this one.”

– Mark Twain

Great Quotes: Kierkegaard on Freedom of Speech

Trey — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 13:00:44 +0000

“People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.”

– Søren Aabye Kierkegaard